Sunday, February 26, 2012

Siren Song

I had to make a late night run to Wal-Mart in order for hubby to complete the painting/decorating project for my oldest son's bedroom makeover.  Considering I'm an early riser-early-to-bed kinda gal, I was more than just a little pissy 'bout running this errand when all I wanted to do was put on my nightie and mark this day off the calendar.  Plus:  I mean, like, who wants to make another trip to Wal-Mart when all the freaks are out???  So I nab the youngest kid to ride shotgun (who is thrilled to be skulking 'round town at dark) and off we go with Selena Gomez blasting in the car stereo...  And it was kinda fun...  Until I hit the door of Wal-Mart and was blind sided by the tower of Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs.  Which we all know is just a'nuther name for HEAVEN.  And that's the moment my food addiction trigger went BANG!  I felt the adrenaline kick and this over powering desire to SEARCH EAT DEVOUR NOW rise out of me in all its hideous, seductive glory.  And I actually stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, breathed through my nose, flexed my fingers, and blindly swerved around the rack of air fresheners trying to avoid this pervasive, naughty, sexy siren song of gluttony. 

These moments probably happen more often than my conscious self can register them.  But I was completely present for this moment when my emotions wanted desperately to be fed:  anger, exhaustion, joy, boredom, fun were all clamoring for attention.  "Feed me!  Feed me!" they wailed.    This pattern of emotional food addiction is on the DNA level, and it is always a miracle when I walk through this minefield unscathed.  And I am thankful for that moment when I was able to stay focused on my task and not cave to that compulsive desire to secretly feed my "joy" or "peace." 

So I paid for my goods, ignoring the forbidden fruits that were calling my name...  and walked my skinny jeans outta there.

FYI-I finally reached the 50 lbs lost mark.  It's now a year and half after surgery.  Although the number of lbs lost is not exceptional, the fact that I have maintained this loss IS.  I am grateful every day for my lapband tool that helps me wage my battle against myself.

Here's to living and feeling in the moment, friends.  As awkward and uncomfortable and difficult as that may be...


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Whackadoo Hangover

So the preacher's kid is in my back yard as I stumble out the back door in my sloppy pj's and pony tail with no bra/make up to holler the dog back 4 PM...after unsuccessfully trying to nurse a rum headache for most of the day.  And he wants to have a conversation with me...  and pet the dog...and tell me sh*t... and I'm clutching my old stretchy v-neck sleep shirt just trying to keep my boobs from popping out as I mumble and nod sumpin' unintelligible before slamming the door in his face mid sentence.  Laws... 

So even though I have a rum-skull-buster of a headache, playing Whackadoo Bingo with the ladies was SOOOOOO WORTH IT.  Oh, and just to put your mind at ease, I did get rid of the "drug" evidence on the back patio which lil brother found and reported on at the last lady party...  i.e.:  an ashtray filled with cigarette butts.  I tell you what, the Red Ribbon Week at the elementary school is really killing all the grown-up fun 'round these parts. 

In other exciting news:  I am already thinking about getting out the CHRISTMAS CRAP!  I know, right?!?  Screw Halloween and all that ugly black-death-sh*t.  I bought myself a hand crafted gourd Santa at the local craft fair, and I am ready to get out the freakin' jingle bells-just as soon  Mr B gets home from camping with the boys this weekend.  Y'all know he's gonna be thrilled...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Summer Report

Well, I got that third fill...  And NOW we're talking!  So THIS is what restriction is!  And what a relief to let the band do some of the work for me.  Of course getting used to the tightness has its own issues, and I have been pb'ing more as a result.  But I'm learning the "new" rules for this level of tightness. 

The GOOD NEWS is that I have lost another 5 lbs... for a grand total of 40 lbs!!!  LOVE IT!!!  I told hubby that even if I never lost another lb, I am sooooo  grateful to be smaller, healthier, happier, and more present and content in my own skin.

A Few NSV's as a result:
Wearing my bathing suit with cover up either!
Having a friend tell me, "Your legs look GREAT!"
Old clothes in the closet are "new" again...and dressing is becoming more fun
Experiencing excitement about fashion and shopping....and discovering what my true style is now that I have options...

Here's to savoring every last minute of summer! 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Reverse Psychology

So on Sunday I proclaim that I am going to seriously watch what I eat.   And yesterday I ate 3 muffins and a bowl of ice cream and 3 chocolate chip addition to regular meals...which I tried to overeat.  Sigh...   I think the tightness of my band is causing me to search out "easy" to eat foods which is a symptom of my crazy-fat-brain that is always searching for my next "fix."  My big problem however is that I am suffering from chronic exhaustion which is making it difficult/impossible to steer clear of bad food choices or even have the desire to put on my tennis shoes for a brief walk.  This exhaustion is weird considering I am not working over the summer and only lallygag around as well as clock in plenty of sleep hours the night before.  Not sure what is causing this...  but for now I have decided to take a daily multi vitamin in hopes of pumping up my energy level.  And I have to get back to minimal exercise.

Hopefully this vitamin is gonna kick my @ss into gear! 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Vacay Report

So I had my 3rd fill, and NOW I finally get it.  I have restriction and tightness and fullness.  And have lost another 3lbs since my dr. visit...praise the Lord!  So now it's ON!  I plan to get serious about the next 10 lbs with a renewed diet/exercise plan for the remainder of summer.

On the vacay front, I was able to dodge my SIL's invasion of our beach trip and had a lovely time with our cousin's family instead.  The boys were constantly on the go, and the hubby and I were able to rest & relax with our toes in the sand.

Last year at the beach I was at my all time heaviest and was maintaining that weight in order to qualify for WLS.  It was brutal-and depressing.  I was so heavy and unhappy and HOT and sweaty and tired.  It was all I could do to carry the sunblock to the beach.  What a difference a year and 40 lbs makes!  I felt more comfortable in my bathing suit (a cute blue and white polka dot number from Land's End) and even discarded the cover up this year.  I actually complained about how cold the condo was-and had to turn up the air!  MIRACLES!!!  But most importantly I had the energy and desire to fully participate in all my family's activities.  Oh, and when I got back and stepped on my scales to check out the damage...???  ka-ching!  No weight gained.  I LOVE THIS BAND!!!

Do I have further to go???  Of course!  Do I look like a mermaid goddess perched on the sand???  Well... just wait til next year!!!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Summer Renewal

My third fill is this Thursday, and I am soooo glad to be getting it!  I really have been dragging my feet about making this decision due to some "head issues" (ie: fear of not being able to eat what/when/howmuch I want to), but it's time to rein in the emotional over eating.  My "willpower" is just not enough.  Can I get an "Amen!" from the bandsters in the front pew???  Even though my weight loss has been like watching a tortoise crawl a marathon, I keep reminding myself to value my band's ability to maintain weight loss.  Currently I have lost 37ish lbs and have been able to hold the line for 7 months... an unheard of accomplishment in my 20 years of trying to lose weight which was a brutal cycle of losing a little to later gain it back plus some with a vengeance.  So even though I am not a bandster who is blowing off rapid lbs-I am bandster who is holding the line and slowwwwwwly crawling my way to success.

To help get me ready for the next fill, hubby and I are on a 5 day low carb diet which should help me rev my weight loss engines and get me in the frame of mind for minding the rules with this next fill.  At the end of the day I have to remember the band is not a magic wand-but a simple tool-that has rules.  And I have to play by those rules to get results.  There really are not shortcuts.  Sigh...!

NSV:  As hubby watched me pull on my swimsuit, he said, "You look so much better this summer than last!"  And he's right...  I HAVE come a long way, baby! 

More to report on Thursday...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To my Sons on Mother's Day

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
Dear Sons,
1.  Remember you are God's sons first...mine second.  But he did put in a clause that says you have to obey me...or else.
2.  Even when I am yelling at you and have crossed over to the dark side: I STILL love you.  Just don't turn your back or forget to say "Yes ma'am."
3.  NEVER walk through a door in front of a lady.  You are getting so much better at this.  Thank you for honoring this small and subtle courtesy to all womankind.  It will pay off one day.
4.  All good things have been sanctioned by your mother.  I just made your dad drive you there.  So remember to thank the right person...who might be at home in the bathrobe.
5.  I love you to the moon and back...and then again.  And honestly wouldn't change a thing about this whole messy journey we are on together...but it still wouldn't kill you to pick up some of that $#@! in the hallway upstairs.

Love you ALWAYS!!!

Mom  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox