Thursday, August 12, 2010


I want to be thin. And I am commited to the LB surgery. But really-I don't want to do the work. I like eating what I want-when I want-how much I want. And I HATE exercise. So as the end of my 6 month "waiting" period is looming closer-and surgery is an around the corner reality-I KNOW this is a problem. My resolve has imploded beneath the addiction. And I'm in full fledged food-fantasy mode... But the self loathing, not being able to recognize myself in a mirror, avoiding new life experiences, hiding from friends and family and cameras-I'm sick of living like this too. I wish my resolve would renew itself and show a little backbone-dammit. But right now, I'm living in denial. I know that the LB is only a tool-and not a magic wand. Ultimately I have to do the work and make the choices. But I am struggling to believe that I can really do this... Who am I kidding??? I DON"T WANT TO GIVE UP FOOD!!! How pathetic is that?!?

I'm kinda glad that I won't be going back to the therapist until late September. Because if she knew what a scrambled up mess my head is in... she would bench me in a heart beat. And I wouldn't blame her. But I'm not telling...yet. Because maybe...just maybe...I don't really want to be thin. Oh, hell...


  1. Honey, I hate exercise too. The concept of traditional exercise is exhausting to me and the only time I could pull it off was when I made it a challenge to myself to lose as much as fast as possible and I got burnt out.

    I'm now 7 months out and I still am not committed to a regular exercise routine. It means that I'm flabby (although I can blame the multiple times I've dieted down and regained the weight to that) and untoned. I don't think that I'm going to snap back into shape even if I killed myself at the gym.

    I do the best that I can do. I made a promise to get out and do an activity at least twice a week. Sometimes that's a spin class at the gym and a day at the roller rink. Whatever I don't dread doing.

    And food will reshape itself for you. There will be things that you won't want anymore. Sounds ridiculous, but it happens. Then there will be the things that you miss and don't want to give up and you'll probably have episodes with them (*sigh* no more peanut butter sandwiches for me...). You'll adapt. It's definitely not as hard as it is trying to mentally tell yourself that you don't want the foods anymore, so that's the upside.

    It seems/feels daunting. And it is. But it's a big mountain to climb. If you didn't feel daunted, you wouldn't have the right resolve to get this done successfully. In fact, you sound like you're in exactly the place you need to be mentally right now.

  2. I think you are having a normal reaction. It is nerves. I can't imagine how hard it mush be for you. To go this long, doing everything you have been told to do, and still not know if you will be approved for the band yet.

    Just remember that once you have the band and your restriction is in place, it will help greatly with a lot of your food choices. It will not make all the choices for you, but if you listen to it, you will be able to work with it and do great things.

    The exercise will come into the equation. I do not have an exercise program at the moment. My exercise consists of walking half an hour to the train station in the morning to work three to four times a week. At four and half months after my operation I am only now thinking about upping the exercise.

    I won't lie, you need to commit to the band and to your journey, but it sounds like you are ready to do that, you just need to get past the waiting game you are currently in.

    You can do this:)

  3. I remember feeling the same way before I got the band. The truth is, I actually enjoy eating out more now than I did before the band. I consider it a special treat and I allow myself to order whatever I want, knowing that I'll be satisfied with a small amount of it, and will be able to eat the leftovers for two more meals. I eat guilt free now, which is a whole new experience for me. Proper restriction gives you that gift. Those food thoughts you are having now will almost disappear, I rarely think about food any more, only when I'm hungry and that doesn't last too long.

    As far as exercise goes, I'm with you about hating it. I bought myself a good pedometer, one that works even if it's in my pocket. My goal it to walk 10,000 steps every day, sometimes I get that in just living life and sometimes I have to get on the treadmill after I feed the kids. As I've lost weight, I find that I can run much of the extra steps I need to do to get it over faster!

  4. The good news is you don't have to 'give up' food. I can eat some of almost anything I want.
    What I want to eat has changed, I no longer crave junk. I want the best quality food I can find b/c I only eat 1 cup of it. It helps you make better choices.
    I have not been a great exerciser. Not at all. I am way more active though. I'm busy all the time. Doing fun things. Don't let the exercise scare you.
    Keep working through these feelings - you'll find the answer that is right for you.

  5. thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom and inspiration. i am grateful.