Sunday, February 26, 2012

Siren Song

I had to make a late night run to Wal-Mart in order for hubby to complete the painting/decorating project for my oldest son's bedroom makeover.  Considering I'm an early riser-early-to-bed kinda gal, I was more than just a little pissy 'bout running this errand when all I wanted to do was put on my nightie and mark this day off the calendar.  Plus:  I mean, like, who wants to make another trip to Wal-Mart when all the freaks are out???  So I nab the youngest kid to ride shotgun (who is thrilled to be skulking 'round town at dark) and off we go with Selena Gomez blasting in the car stereo...  And it was kinda fun...  Until I hit the door of Wal-Mart and was blind sided by the tower of Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs.  Which we all know is just a'nuther name for HEAVEN.  And that's the moment my food addiction trigger went BANG!  I felt the adrenaline kick and this over powering desire to SEARCH EAT DEVOUR NOW rise out of me in all its hideous, seductive glory.  And I actually stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, breathed through my nose, flexed my fingers, and blindly swerved around the rack of air fresheners trying to avoid this pervasive, naughty, sexy siren song of gluttony. 

These moments probably happen more often than my conscious self can register them.  But I was completely present for this moment when my emotions wanted desperately to be fed:  anger, exhaustion, joy, boredom, fun were all clamoring for attention.  "Feed me!  Feed me!" they wailed.    This pattern of emotional food addiction is on the DNA level, and it is always a miracle when I walk through this minefield unscathed.  And I am thankful for that moment when I was able to stay focused on my task and not cave to that compulsive desire to secretly feed my "joy" or "peace." 

So I paid for my goods, ignoring the forbidden fruits that were calling my name...  and walked my skinny jeans outta there.

FYI-I finally reached the 50 lbs lost mark.  It's now a year and half after surgery.  Although the number of lbs lost is not exceptional, the fact that I have maintained this loss IS.  I am grateful every day for my lapband tool that helps me wage my battle against myself.

Here's to living and feeling in the moment, friends.  As awkward and uncomfortable and difficult as that may be...