The Power of Eleven

Although odd numbers creep me out (who knows why???), I'm gonna embrace this freaky number and herald in the New Year with 11 Wacky Intentions.

In 2011, I want....

1.  11 more lbs gone from my life...FOR GOOD...never to return again.  Hit the road Jack, and dontcha come back no more, no more, no more, no more!!!
2.  11 more blogs to read of women whose daily life inspire me, surprise me, or just plain'o amuse me.
3.  Lipgloss...11 more shades...definately!
4.  11 more followers on this blog...
5.  11 more good books to read...
6.  11 fewer gray hairs might be nice too.........
7.  11  trips to the pool...feeling comfortable in my skin
8.  11 protein shakes...and THAT'S it!  bleckkkk!!!
9.  11 compliments about my changing physique...
10.  ...and then give away those 11 compliments to other women who really need it as much as I do...
11.  11 months of perfect restriction!!!

Happy 2011!!!

%$#! Exercise

I hate it.  As simple as that.  So please don't try to convince me otherwise.  It'll only make me hate you, too.  But I know it works...And it's good for you (eye roll!...sigh!)  But still.  I hate it.  However, after an overloaded carbo-sweet-holiday-orgy-athon, it's time for some restraint and moderation, a semblance of living with intention and purpose.  And in spite of how much I hate exercise, I have in the past had some success with it.  So I am going to resurrect my annual January challenge to walk for 31 days in a row-10 minutes (minimum) daily.  And yes, it's the worst time of year for cold, miserable, unpredictable weather.  And although my daily goal of 10 minutes may seem pathetic to some-it's not the intensity of exercise that I'm trying to accomplish-or really even weight loss.  My real challenge is about keeping a promise to myself-to honor my commitment to self-just as I would keep a promise to a friend.  How is it that we will kill ourselves to keep our word to others but so casually lie, defraud, defy, and let down ourselves???  So my January challenge is about honoring my intentions, making them a priority, and practicing  sacrifice in spite of my (temporary & mild) discomfort. 

So here's to thirty one days-thirty one promises kept!!!  Woohoo!!!  ...and please expect some whining & bitching... just keeping it real, folks.

Therapy? or Not...?

Like most lapbanders, I had my required psych eval and some therapy before surgery.  This was a painful process for me since I'm a private, can-handle-it-myself kinda gal.  And although I only had 5 sessions, these sessions went deep into the quick and marrow of my soul-a murky, sad place at best.  And of course it stirred up the silt on the bottom and clouded my view of myself... but strangely gave me some clarity as well.  But because the process was so painful and brought my issues to the surface-which made them harder to shove down into those murky depths and ignore-I jetted out of the therapist's office as soon as I had my approval letter for surgery, vaguely promising to make another appointment as soon as I "recovered."  Well....since then I've spent a lot of time thinking about therapy...and whether I should return...or not.  One of the surprising things about those sessions is that we never discussed weight loss or some of the relationships that I thought were driving my eating...  And to her credit, this therapist was nobody's fool.  Charming, clever, funny, and smart didn't work on her...  Her persistent nudging and refusal to follow my false leads took me into scary, new territory.  And I respect that.... kinda.  So as 2011 approaches and I think about new goals (both weight loss & personal), I am wrestling with the therapy issue.  Does all that talking really matter?  It certainly doesn't alter the facts...  Do I want to resurrect old demons?  Can they really be slain and buried...for good???  I guess the fact that I even ask the question is answer enough...  I NEED therapy.  I just don't WANT it. So it looks like in 2011 I will be waging two battles:  one for my physical health and another for my soul's liberation.  ...sigh...

Weak Resolve

RESOLVE:  Today I am going to throw out all the sweet holiday food (crap) in my house.  ...Except maybe for the yummy white chocolate M&M chex mix...  Oh, the anxiety!!!  It's gotta go too...  But I  LOVE it!  Nope... it's going too...  I think...

REPEAT:  You don't need this junk because ...you are NOT a trash can...you are NOT a trash can... you are NOT a trash can....

Big Spill

Big kid spilled an entire glass of orange juice all over the breakfast area which instantly ignited parental fuses...of course.  Quickest way to piss off an adult???  Spill a sticky beverage that requires cleaning on hands and knees multiple times over the course of a month... %$#!.  Anyhoo....  Lil brother rushes to the scene of the accident, assures big kid it'll be okay, hustles over with paper towels and windex, and starts a one man clean up operation.  And he actually handles it...  as big kid kinda mopes around in slow-mo watching the orange stain spread closer and closer to the carpet....  As lil brother makes his last trip to the laundry area, I praise him for his quick thinking and selfless actions, strangely pleased at his display of fraternal loyalty.  "Dat oughta get me off me off the naughty list, huh mom?"  Well...I guess it does.  Just in time.

Most Dangerous Time of the Year

In years past the holiday season has been my most dangerous time of the year for packing on the pounds...literally 20 or more at a time...and of course they came to stay for the entire year unlike the ribbon, boxes, and bows that got thrown out in the trash.  The season would kick off with Halloween candy and chili potlucks and move right into the over-stuffed turkey season with rich trimmings that lasted for weeks which glided into Christmas fudge and cookie swaps and  required holiday food orgies that posed as parties....  Ahhhh!  The Good ol' Days!!!.... not really.  Dreading the holiday pictures, avoiding the camera, not fitting into anything in the closet,  buying a bigger size and praying you look thinner (yeah, right...), stuffing yourself into hot sweaters and tights and boots while drenched in the fat-sweats, and always feeling tired and run down from the frenetic sugar crashes which made you search out more sugar just to feel  "normal" again..  Ugh...what's to love about all that over fed guilt and shame???  Hence, the decision to try the lapband and maybe,  just maybe, wage the final good bye to those pounds....

Currently (since the end of Sept) I have lost 26-28 lbs (depending on time of day/month).  And what a relief it is!  Old clothes feel new again.  People are beginning to notice and pay compliments.  I can gaze into the mirror and actually look myself in the eye for a few seconds longer than usual...  And I am beginning to recognize the outline of this girl who is my authentic self.  Although she's still a little bleary and fuzzy around the edges...  What has been remarkable to me since my October surgery has been the relief from the mental agony of gritting my teeth through another round of "dieting" and self loathing and fighting and scratching and clawing for every desperate lost pound-knowing I am hanging by my fingertips over the abyss destined for failure-again.  And truthfully, the weight loss has been soooooooooooooo  slowwwwwwwww and gradual, and I have hit plateaus...  but then the scale would move of its own accord with no warning...  Although I have only had one fill as of this writing (I am anxiously awaiting my Jan 3rd appt), I can tell there is some restriction, just enough to keep that last morsel or serving at bay.  Yes, I have had an episode (...or two or three of sliming and pb'ing...), and I am "breaking" some lapband rules.  I eat too much too fast...  gotta work on that...  But not as much as before...

So I consider it a "miracle" of sorts that I have journeyed through a holiday season and actually lost/maintained weight instead of bloating into a sadder more desperate failure.  Who knew it could be possible???  So although I have many miles (...and pounds) to go, I feel hopeful this holiday season...and inspired by so many of you as we all continue to quest for our better selves.

Blessings to you all!

Time-the Perfect Gift

Hubby and I started a new holiday thank-you tradition last year for our adult friends with kids.  We invite all the kids to our home for a holiday party from 5-10 PM so that the adults can finish shopping, go out to eat, to a movie, or get some wrapping done.  And of course the kids LOVE IT-especially our sons who live for house parties.  All the sisters make Christmas ornaments, paint fingernails, put on dance shows, have long conversations about boys, and play with the kitten while the brothers play video games, flashlight tag and nerf wars while chasing the dog through the mud.  And yes-it's a wild evening.  Not gonna lie.  And of course dinner is on the house.  This year-spaghetti, salad, corn, french bread, multi variety popcorns and sweet treats-to everyone's delight.  But the best part of the night, is seeing our adult friends picking up their kids looking so relaxed, rejuvinated, stress free (shopping DONE!), and sliding into the holidays a little more rested and prepared.  Like many families, we have to carefully watch our pennies and could not possibly afford to "buy" our friends the gifts we would love to give them.  But an evening out while their kids are safely (...mostly!) entertained is a budget friendly alternative with priceless dividends.  The gift of giving "time" to others is probably the best adult gift of all...

BTW-I know I need to update on weight related stuff.... but honestly.... I am really enjoying living my life without food/weight being my primary source of joy/stress this season...  and I do have a lot to say about that....maybe later!

Blessings!