I Wish Wednesday

So glad for these prompts-btw! Currently I'm a stalled blogger who is lacking in all motivation and have nothing consequential to report...so please excuse the silliness and vanity of these "gumdrop fart" wishes. I know....even I am rolling my eyes...

1. I don't wanna go to school (said in a high, long whine). But I want to keep getting paid for sitting in my bathrobe watching my Tivo's...
2. I really want to wear a green bikini.
3. I want straight hair that gives humidity the middle finger.
4. I want to eat whatever whenever without having to pay the piper.
5. Ok-so I don't really need to win THE BIG LOTTERY....but a $100,000 would just 'bout do it for me.
6. One of these days my inner sassy girl is gonna match up with my sassy body-in that green bikini.
7. Ok, fine. World Peace could be really cool too...

Bitch session: Oh, and I am sick and damn tired of sweating over ever' lil thing I do...cleaning out closets, sitting in church, walking to the car. Why do I have to walk around with a sweat mustache everywhere I go??? When I lose this weight, I want to be a freakin' COLD skinny bitch...dammit...!!!

BYOC

Ok-I'm a little late-but I'm joinging the BYOC mania-love it!!! Here goes...

1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion).
As a teacher I would have to say June and July are the greatest perks. Two months of FREEDOM!!!

2. Do you ever lie in your blog?
My mission is to be true to who I am and keep it real. Although it is tempting to sometimes stretch reality, it really serves no purpose.

3. What do you wear to bed?
I start off with a night gown until the nightime sweats strike...then it's game over.

4. Where do you go for advice?
Hubby...but man advice can be a little sketchy sometimes... I ususally listen to my inner voice and go with my gut.

5. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why?
Reading you all religiously! Soaking it in... You ALL inspire me daily with your losses and honesty.

Emotional Risks

Although I did a lot of whining about being stalled in my pre-lapband process by my therapy sessions, I have to confess: the therapy has been helpful. I even look forward to those sessions and feel grateful to have a therapist who is insightful and compassionate. But she's no push-over either. She is always digging-and never lets me off the emotional hook. So I'm not gonna lie-therapy is stressful and difficult at times. Admitting aloud to myself that I have abandonment and rejection issues which have resulted in subconscious self-loathing was a painful and excruciating process. You have to expose those demons before you can exorcise them. And there is nothing easy about that. But Thank God! I did it. I actually left her office last week with a sense of peace. Now however-she has proposed doing some grief therapy-and I am terrified and skeptical of this process. Having a case of the plague sounds preferable. But I have grudgingly agreed to trust her expertise and to yield to the process-God help me. My greatest fear is being overwhelmed. It's like heading out to the middle of a dark ocean during a hurricane knowing you will be capsized and sunk by 50 foot crashing waves-but someone has promised to throw you a life vest from a dinghy that you cannot see in the darkness. So honestly-I just want to get this over with... I'm keeping my eye on the horizon as I move forward.

Who to Tell

I always thought that celebrities who had weight loss surgery-yet wouldn't go on the record-were wimps and wienies and cowards. Until I decided that bariatric surgery was right for me. Then my mind starting churning. What will the hyper critical sister-in-law say? How will I deal with the the hyper concerned mother-in-law who is a worrier-and will put out a prayer APB to the ENTIRE family? Or my stoic family who looks down their noses at "those lazy" people with weight issues? Or my good friend who tells her kids, and then they tell their friends...? and the list goes on. I guess the reason that letting the cat out of the proverbial bag is so difficult is because of the shame I carry about being overweight. Deciding to have surgery means that I've acknowledged some painful issues: yes, I am fatter that I pretend to be; yes, my control and will power sucks; yes, I am easily defeated; yes, I am exhausted and sick of trying; yes, I tend to feel sorry for myself; yes, I eat my emotions instead of dealing with them. And yes-I NEED help. This issue is bigger than me. And therapy is helping me to wrap my brain around some of those issues and to even begin rejecting some of those self defeating thought patterns. Boy-this lifestyle choice is gonna take some work...and courage.

So last week at a girl's retreat, I shared this decision with some important women in my life. And their support and love were uplifting and affirming. And yes, I gave them permission to voice their concerns and to ask questions. Not gonna lie-I have them too. But it was a relief to share this "secret" with women who love me in spite of my shortcomings and are invested in my success and future happiness and trust that I am making this decision for the right reasons. So for all the haters and doubters and energy suckers in my life-screw'em. Because I really don't have the time and energy to spare. And we all know what a waste of time it is to try and please that crowd... Honestly-all I can do is go at this with all I've got. Come what may...or whatever they say.

Balance

Hope ya'll had a great 4th of July! We had a lot of fun in my neck of the woods. Down here in Nashville we take our Independence Day ve-ry seriously!

My crew went to our local park for music, bouncy activities, and a family picnic followed by the symphony and fireworks show. So I made homemade Carolina pulled pork BBQ as the entree, hubby made homemade salsa, and mom-n-law made her famous potato salad. It was a fabulous feast with lots of other fixin's as well. So even though food was going to be an important part of this event, I brought along magazines, books, cards, dominoes, a camera, and football. I wanted plenty of other things to do other than snacking and eating my way through the evening. So I enjoyed my meal and then moved on to other activities-I also abstained from dessert and perpetual chip noshing... I'm almost nervous to say this...but I think I achieved...balance. Food had its place. We gave it the attention and praise it deserved, but it wasn't the main focus. And ultimately this is really what I want to achieve with the lapband-the skills to enjoy food in small doses at the right times-and then be ready to move on to the really important stuff. Making food my purpose and joy is really an empty experience-even when I'm stuffing it in. I wanna be done with that. And last night was just a small taste of that freedom.

Aside: decided to enjoy a diet Pepsi for the holidays after a few weeks of abstaining. Only drank 4 sips. The first burning sip was almost overwhelming. But after that, I really just lost interest... I'm thinking this is getting easier...

Weekly Goal: I still need to work on my 7 PM snacking deadline and be more conscious and deliberate about saying NO to this useless emotional habit.

Back Slider

OK-I am a back slider. My new goal of not eating after 7:30 PM was broken-twice. Maybe it was the au gratin potatoes that did it (bad potato! bad potato! definitely a trigger food for this carb junkie)or the PMS that is setting up shop in my ovaries. Anyhoo... I plan to be back on the wagon tonight. Also I played in the pool for several hours yesterday with a little friend so I'm glad to have gotten some exercise at least.

As a non-banded newbie, I have a few questions for you bandits out there:

Liquid vitamins or solid?
Raw veggies? Salads? How possible is this...?
Steak? Do I just need to say my 'good-byes'...?

I appreciate the voices of experience chiming in here!

Pit Stop Eating-Delete!

I did something radical yesterday. I decided that there would be no pit-stop eating while doing my errands/activities around town. And as I thought about this-I truly began to see how often I do this. As a matter of fact-if I'm brutally honest-my food pit-stops are often my primary goal with the errand being secondary (pathetic!). So in an effort to get off this binging wagon, Wendy's or Subway would NOT be a detour. So here's how it went:

Library with my youngest son: We had fun picking out lots of books for him, and I located THREE historical fiction books that I am so excited to read! I also chatted with two friends while checking out. And as we were coming home around the bend, lil son says, "I like your hair. It has pizazz!" (ie auburn hi lites!) Now what could be a better reward than good books and friends and time with my man-child??? And to top it off...I have PIZAZZ!!!

Running to hubby's work to fax paperwork: It's dusk, so we decide to take my PT Cruiser convertible (Cutie Pie is her name!) cruising through the countryside. And there are some lovely things to see in my neck of the woods: fields and pastures, barns, rivers, dense green foliage, old homes and churches, tomato stands, cows and horses... and we even got to make a wish on the first star...and see all the colors of night sky....while driving with Fleetwood Mac playing and the wind in our hair.

I have decided that all that peace, contentment, and love... taste just right....all by themselves.