Most Dangerous Time of the Year

In years past the holiday season has been my most dangerous time of the year for packing on the pounds...literally 20 or more at a time...and of course they came to stay for the entire year unlike the ribbon, boxes, and bows that got thrown out in the trash.  The season would kick off with Halloween candy and chili potlucks and move right into the over-stuffed turkey season with rich trimmings that lasted for weeks which glided into Christmas fudge and cookie swaps and  required holiday food orgies that posed as parties....  Ahhhh!  The Good ol' Days!!!.... not really.  Dreading the holiday pictures, avoiding the camera, not fitting into anything in the closet,  buying a bigger size and praying you look thinner (yeah, right...), stuffing yourself into hot sweaters and tights and boots while drenched in the fat-sweats, and always feeling tired and run down from the frenetic sugar crashes which made you search out more sugar just to feel  "normal" again..  Ugh...what's to love about all that over fed guilt and shame???  Hence, the decision to try the lapband and maybe,  just maybe, wage the final good bye to those pounds....

Currently (since the end of Sept) I have lost 26-28 lbs (depending on time of day/month).  And what a relief it is!  Old clothes feel new again.  People are beginning to notice and pay compliments.  I can gaze into the mirror and actually look myself in the eye for a few seconds longer than usual...  And I am beginning to recognize the outline of this girl who is my authentic self.  Although she's still a little bleary and fuzzy around the edges...  What has been remarkable to me since my October surgery has been the relief from the mental agony of gritting my teeth through another round of "dieting" and self loathing and fighting and scratching and clawing for every desperate lost pound-knowing I am hanging by my fingertips over the abyss destined for failure-again.  And truthfully, the weight loss has been soooooooooooooo  slowwwwwwwww and gradual, and I have hit plateaus...  but then the scale would move of its own accord with no warning...  Although I have only had one fill as of this writing (I am anxiously awaiting my Jan 3rd appt), I can tell there is some restriction, just enough to keep that last morsel or serving at bay.  Yes, I have had an episode (...or two or three of sliming and pb'ing...), and I am "breaking" some lapband rules.  I eat too much too fast...  gotta work on that...  But not as much as before...

So I consider it a "miracle" of sorts that I have journeyed through a holiday season and actually lost/maintained weight instead of bloating into a sadder more desperate failure.  Who knew it could be possible???  So although I have many miles (...and pounds) to go, I feel hopeful this holiday season...and inspired by so many of you as we all continue to quest for our better selves.

Blessings to you all!