Whackadoo Hangover

So the preacher's kid is in my back yard as I stumble out the back door in my sloppy pj's and pony tail with no bra/make up to holler the dog back in...at 4 PM...after unsuccessfully trying to nurse a rum headache for most of the day.  And he wants to have a conversation with me...  and pet the dog...and tell me sh*t... and I'm clutching my old stretchy v-neck sleep shirt just trying to keep my boobs from popping out as I mumble and nod sumpin' unintelligible before slamming the door in his face mid sentence.  Laws... 

So even though I have a rum-skull-buster of a headache, playing Whackadoo Bingo with the ladies was SOOOOOO WORTH IT.  Oh, and just to put your mind at ease, I did get rid of the "drug" evidence on the back patio which lil brother found and reported on at the last lady party...  i.e.:  an ashtray filled with cigarette butts.  I tell you what, the Red Ribbon Week at the elementary school is really killing all the grown-up fun 'round these parts. 

In other exciting news:  I am already thinking about getting out the CHRISTMAS CRAP!  I know, right?!?  Screw Halloween and all that ugly black-death-sh*t.  I bought myself a hand crafted gourd Santa at the local craft fair, and I am ready to get out the freakin' jingle bells-just as soon  Mr B gets home from camping with the boys this weekend.  Y'all know he's gonna be thrilled...

Summer Report

Well, I got that third fill...  And NOW we're talking!  So THIS is what restriction is!  And what a relief to let the band do some of the work for me.  Of course getting used to the tightness has its own issues, and I have been pb'ing more as a result.  But I'm learning the "new" rules for this level of tightness. 

The GOOD NEWS is that I have lost another 5 lbs... for a grand total of 40 lbs!!!  LOVE IT!!!  I told hubby that even if I never lost another lb, I am sooooo  grateful to be smaller, healthier, happier, and more present and content in my own skin.

A Few NSV's as a result:
Wearing my bathing suit with confidence...no cover up either!
Having a friend tell me, "Your legs look GREAT!"
Old clothes in the closet are "new" again...and dressing is becoming more fun
Experiencing excitement about fashion and shopping....and discovering what my true style is now that I have options...

Here's to savoring every last minute of summer! 

Reverse Psychology

So on Sunday I proclaim that I am going to seriously watch what I eat.   And yesterday I ate 3 muffins and a bowl of ice cream and 3 chocolate chip cookies...in addition to regular meals...which I tried to overeat.  Sigh...   I think the tightness of my band is causing me to search out "easy" to eat foods which is a symptom of my crazy-fat-brain that is always searching for my next "fix."  My big problem however is that I am suffering from chronic exhaustion which is making it difficult/impossible to steer clear of bad food choices or even have the desire to put on my tennis shoes for a brief walk.  This exhaustion is weird considering I am not working over the summer and only lallygag around as well as clock in plenty of sleep hours the night before.  Not sure what is causing this...  but for now I have decided to take a daily multi vitamin in hopes of pumping up my energy level.  And I have to get back to minimal exercise.

Hopefully this vitamin is gonna kick my @ss into gear! 

Vacay Report

So I had my 3rd fill, and NOW I finally get it.  I have restriction and tightness and fullness.  And have lost another 3lbs since my dr. visit...praise the Lord!  So now it's ON!  I plan to get serious about the next 10 lbs with a renewed diet/exercise plan for the remainder of summer.

On the vacay front, I was able to dodge my SIL's invasion of our beach trip and had a lovely time with our cousin's family instead.  The boys were constantly on the go, and the hubby and I were able to rest & relax with our toes in the sand.

Last year at the beach I was at my all time heaviest and was maintaining that weight in order to qualify for WLS.  It was brutal-and depressing.  I was so heavy and unhappy and HOT and sweaty and tired.  It was all I could do to carry the sunblock to the beach.  What a difference a year and 40 lbs makes!  I felt more comfortable in my bathing suit (a cute blue and white polka dot number from Land's End) and even discarded the cover up this year.  I actually complained about how cold the condo was-and had to turn up the air!  MIRACLES!!!  But most importantly I had the energy and desire to fully participate in all my family's activities.  Oh, and when I got back and stepped on my scales to check out the damage...???  ka-ching!  No weight gained.  I LOVE THIS BAND!!!

Do I have further to go???  Of course!  Do I look like a mermaid goddess perched on the sand???  Well... just wait til next year!!!

Summer Renewal

My third fill is this Thursday, and I am soooo glad to be getting it!  I really have been dragging my feet about making this decision due to some "head issues" (ie: fear of not being able to eat what/when/howmuch I want to), but it's time to rein in the emotional over eating.  My "willpower" is just not enough.  Can I get an "Amen!" from the bandsters in the front pew???  Even though my weight loss has been like watching a tortoise crawl a marathon, I keep reminding myself to value my band's ability to maintain weight loss.  Currently I have lost 37ish lbs and have been able to hold the line for 7 months... an unheard of accomplishment in my 20 years of trying to lose weight which was a brutal cycle of losing a little to later gain it back plus some with a vengeance.  So even though I am not a bandster who is blowing off rapid lbs-I am bandster who is holding the line and slowwwwwwly crawling my way to success.

To help get me ready for the next fill, hubby and I are on a 5 day low carb diet which should help me rev my weight loss engines and get me in the frame of mind for minding the rules with this next fill.  At the end of the day I have to remember the band is not a magic wand-but a simple tool-that has rules.  And I have to play by those rules to get results.  There really are not shortcuts.  Sigh...!

NSV:  As hubby watched me pull on my swimsuit, he said, "You look so much better this summer than last!"  And he's right...  I HAVE come a long way, baby! 

More to report on Thursday...

To my Sons on Mother's Day

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck
*
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
*
Dear Sons,
1.  Remember you are God's sons first...mine second.  But he did put in a clause that says you have to obey me...or else.
2.  Even when I am yelling at you and have crossed over to the dark side: I STILL love you.  Just don't turn your back or forget to say "Yes ma'am."
3.  NEVER walk through a door in front of a lady.  You are getting so much better at this.  Thank you for honoring this small and subtle courtesy to all womankind.  It will pay off one day.
4.  All good things have been sanctioned by your mother.  I just made your dad drive you there.  So remember to thank the right person...who might be at home in the bathrobe.
5.  I love you to the moon and back...and then again.  And honestly wouldn't change a thing about this whole messy journey we are on together...but it still wouldn't kill you to pick up some of that $#@! in the hallway upstairs.


Love you ALWAYS!!!

Mom  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Dilemma/Advice appreciated...

OK-it's been awhile...  So thanks for checking in on my lazy (i.e. unispired) blogging updates.

Good news:  I have finally dropped a few lbs in the last two weeks after MONTHS of being stalled (total is 38-40 lbs).  It has been uber cool to see a new numbers on my scale!  Also my bp is now 115/77 and I have stopped taking ALL my meds!!!  now THAT is progress....even if I do still have some chub to work on.

Dilemma:  I've been putting off having another fill.  Not sure if I need one since I mostly feel some restriction some of the time...  I have lots of excuses such as paying off my medical bills-not adding to them-taking time off from work, etc.  But here's the deal:  I LIKE eating larger portions than I know I should.  I don't want to give that up (damn that inner fat girl!).  And I am fearful of not being able to eat solid foods at all...  Which is making my inner fat girl run like hell now.  But I also know that I bought this band in order to achieve my goals, and my weight loss has been slow (or stalled) for too long.  I have even resorted to desperate dieting tactics over the last month which really sent me into a mental tail spin and left me so exhausted that now I am having a free for all with the pantry.  So how do you KNOW when it's time for more restriction???  What is the magic feeling of hitting that sweet spot???  Do I get by with some restriction some of the time???  Or should I demand more of the band than my will power and desire would ask of me???   Advice, suggestions, personal testimony appreciated...

I am counting down the days til summer!  Hope all is well in your neck of the woods!

Verbal Vomit

OK-so it's been awhile since I last posted.  So please forgive the disjointed randomness:

This has nothing to do with my lapband..................but..............

I am soooo FURIOUS about my upcoming beach/camping vacay with my 3 fellas in June.  I just found out that my SIL is planning to attach herself to my family's vacay-although she has never asked nor been invited (or wanted for that matter).  She has craftily learned of our plans from the MIL, called a cousin to confirm the local & whereabouts, and then informed my hubby (her brother) of her plans to be in our neck of the vacay woods-imagine the odds!  She is NOTORIOUS for being a domineering, critical harpy who is the queen of snide and snobby and a control freak to boot.  @#$%!  Under normal holiday circumstances, I struggle to bite my tongue, ignore, and deal with her.  So you can imagine how I feel about spending all my vacay $$$ with someone who I feel tortured and frustrated and enraged by (long history, btw-just trust me on this...).  Luckily for her she has the time and resources to go on several trips during the course of the year.  For me-this once a year vacay with my sons & hubby is my ONLY opportunity to leave my zip code, and I sure as f*ck don't want to be spending it with her.  Bottom line:  I feel sabotaged and manipulated.   F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!

Well, now I don't even feel like typing all that other stupid stuff like I am still exercising and starting a a couch to 5k program with hubby....my blood work results have improved since 6 months ago but I clearly have more work to do....I have decided to drink the koolaid and religiously start taking my vitamins so my super cute lil doc will stop harassing me....I like being in a size 12 jeans (woohoo!)....and I am not dreading swim suit season.  My goal is to lose another 10 lbs by the first week of June....and get my third fill....which I have been avoiding due to some crazy food addiction reasons that I will examine more closely soon...

So there it is.  Real life in a paragraph.  Plenty to be proud of.  And just a few frustrations to keep it real.

But thank God SPRING has finally SPRUNG!  The best therapy on the planet is sunshine and daffodils...

Blessings to you all!

Movement!

Got on the scales at the crack of dawn this morning...and I have lost 5 lbs from my down-and-dirty-carbo- busting-quickie-diet this week.  It's affirming to see the numbers MOVE.  Of course this week just affirmed for me that changing WHAT I eat is a critical key point in my success...and one I've wanted to ignore thus far.  So I'll need to make some adjustments in my food choices-although I'm not ready to get on the no-carb bandwagon-I GET IT:  fewer carbs, more momentum.

On another note-this is my BDAY Weekend!!!  Hubby gave me $$$ for clothes shopping and I bought new pants, tops, and jewelry at some cute, trendy stores (that I had been avoiding in my previous chub-state) and then he bought me some REAL running shoes.  Of course I had to take this week off due to sore knees, but I'm actually looking forward to getting back on the asphalt to try this "running thang" again...  who knew I would ever be someone who would say that?!?  Laws-a-mercy...

Band living sure does give a gal some new things to think about!

Tandem-easier said than done

So I've started a low carb diet this week.... on Valentine's Day, for gosh sakes.   Which meant that I had to contend with hubby's cupcakes, the girl scout cookie delivery, and students bringing me a warm from the oven cinnamon roll from the culinary arts classroom....ARGH!!!  Which just goes to show that there is NEVER a "good time" to diet.  So yes, I've been pretty grouchy with blood in one eye and piss in the other at the thoughts of losing my precious carbs.  But  I just keep reminding myself that missing out on a few sweet/salty snacks is not like a DEATH or something.  And really I am pretty desperate to startle my sluggish metabolism into MOVEMENT.  This had better work....dammit.  So I am veering between determined and pissy-two unpredictable emotions at best.  I also have to maneuver the faculty luncheon tomorrow.  But I am determined to do this 5 day challenge to prove to myself that I have what is takes to manage both exercise and dieting in tandem (I tend to focus on one at a time, to my detriment).  So we shall see how this experiment in denial goes....  I hope to have positive results to publish by Saturday.  And a better mood to report as well!

BTW-my knees are KILLING me.  I took off 2 days from running but it hasn't helped.  Tonite was brutal.  Tips for newbie runners are sorely needed...!

BYOC! A lil late...!

It’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. Five little questions that you can copy and paste into your blog in an effort to get to know each other better and to give your brain a blog topic break!

1. What piece of clothing can you absolutely not live without?
Love love love my hubby's red plaid bathrobe!!!  As a matter of fact, it's not his anymore...because I wear it from the time I come home til bedtime.  I know...not super sexy-but super comforting-like a bear hug and massage in a single piece of clothing.  However, it is a lil awkward to answer my doorbell...

2. If you could go back in time for just 24 hours, where would you go and why?
I would go back in time to ancient Rome and watch a gladiator fight, take a dip in the Roman baths, walk the markets, drink the wine, gorge on olives and cheese, buy a stola and sandals, go to a wedding, spy on the emperor, join an orgy (kidding!)...and try and get a glance of Caesar (for sure!).

3. If you could change one feature of your looks, what would it be and why?
I wish I had narrow feet-not these wide paddles.  But then I would probably own a 5,329 pairs of shoes!  C'est la vie...

4. What things do you enjoy or only do when you’re alone? (All you perverts out there….try to resist the obvious answer here).
Reading, for sure...
Laundry...unfortunately...
Computer stalking...ain't it fun?!?!

5.  Week in blogland:
Reading (daily!) and sharing some...need to work on commenting!!!  Thanks for stopping by!

Skinny B*tch!

That's right-you read that right.  ....DRUM ROLL!!!...  I am wearing size 12 jeans now!!!  Okay-there is a lil muffin top going on, but I can zip and button and sit in them.  Another 5 lbs and the muffin top should be gone.  It is soooooo rewarding (and motivating) to be here... at last!  These jeans are a symbol of my hard work as well as new frontiers to come...  Just gotta keep my eyes on the prize and keep fighting the (never ending-sigh!) good fight.

On another note:  I'm not sure where this came from...  but I RAN three times this week during my daily walks...  Who knew?!?   I am not going to examine this too much but just enjoy this new found burst of energy.  I think I have awakened the inner skinny b*tch.  And she wants to come on out and kick this fat girl's ass in the mall parking lot.  Now that I've lost 28-30 lbs, it looks like she wants to be the boss of me.  I'm not sure how this is gonna play out...but for now she can stay for awhile at least!

I did it...

I kicked January's ass.  My goal was to exercise for 31 straight days.  AND I DID IT, DAMMIT!!!  And ya'll...not gonna lie...it totally sucked some days when it was cold or raining or snowing or I was bitchy and tired and on the... well, you know.  And homework was always waiting when I returned just like the sink full of dirty dishes and the light blinking on the voice mail.  But hey-that's life isn't it?  It never cuts you a break.  And although I just love to bitch and moan and complain...and trust me, I pouted plenty...there's a tiny part of me that actually started to like the peace and freedom of putting in my earphones and slamming the door on the chaos of daily life and letting my feet and mind wander where they will.  On the bad news front I have not lost weight in several weeks now.  But my clothes are looser, my tummy a lil flatter, muscles more toned...  And I am proud of that.  Yes, I have further to go, more goals to make (more on that later...), more lbs to wrestle.  But today, I rest.  And celebrate my victory of mind over matter.

Here's to new horizons in February!

Baby Steps

Living with the band is slowly changing my habits and lifestyle bit by bit.

*Breakfast:  A few bites of leftover pizza.  I had to put away the rest.  It just wasn't gonna go down...not even with that cuppa coffee.  So I called it quits...
*Lunch on the go:  I ordered a chicken sandwich, picked off half the bun, ate a few fries...and I was done.  It took 30 minutes for me to do this.  I used to wolf this meal down (large fries too with a full diet coke) in under 6 minutes...
*Dinner-A few bites of rice, which I didn't enjoy.  So I settled on a salad.  Felt a little stuck so it took 25 minutes to eat half of it before giving up.  Managed to finish it an hour later.

And that's ALL, folks!

So yes, maybe these food choices aren't the perfect "diet" food-but I love how the band prevents me from gorging and binging.  I'm getting there...a few bites at a time.

BTW-I've exercised every day this month!!!  So I bought myself a new pair of yoga pants...and hubby sounds my be-hind is looking HOTTTTT!!!!!

Kissing Onederland

My scales have been kissing onderland (thanks Libby for that expression!) on and off for the past week.  What a tease those scales are!!!  Sitting at 200 lbs is a stalling point for me.  I have been here before....then ballooned again with another 30 plus pounds-in the blink of an eye.  The 200 number makes me nervous and antsy-which makes me wanna snack on salty chips....  Why? Why? Why???  Why is this barrier so difficult-emotionally & physically???  Why do I sabotage myself when I get to this point???  I want to be DONE with this number.  But I'm not eating like it.  On the good news front, I have managed to keep my goal of daily exercising (...and have even liked it a few times...there-I said it).  But I know that I also need to "diet" and eliminate carbs.... the thought of which makes me wanna pilfer my pantry.  So at the end of the day-I need to FIGHT for the the 90's.  And I guess I'm tired of fighting, honestly...  The truth is I wanna slide into the 90's without having to work it...   And we all know that ain't gonna happen....never does.  So  I gotta muscle my way through...  So I'm considering a new goal:  195 by Jan 31st... and that means protein shakes...and control...and perserverance...and saying NO to the salty crap...  and kicking my inner lazy-whiny-fat bitch-to the curb!  ....sigh...  Maybe...

Dysfunctional Scales

I have been weighing myself on an ancient, rusted set of bathroom scales for ages now.  These scales were cheap when I bought them-and have not improved with age.  They're banged and dented and dusty.  But I keep stepping on them anyway.  And in spite of the fact that I have to squint to see the numbers, I have to adjust the needle each time I step on them,  I never get two consecutive readings (she's a fickle bitch!), and they are around 4-7 lbs off (to my favor) from the doc's scales, I cannot throw them away.  And hubby has threatened to on several occasions.  He even wanted to buy me a new set for Xmas.  But the thoughts of losing these scales creates a flutter of anxiety in the pit of my gut.   No!!!!  And start my day without being taunted and haunted?!?  Inconceivable!...  We've been fighting the good fight now for ages.  She's seen me through every horrifying number-back and forth we've made this agonizing journey together.  Simply:  she's been my reality-in spite of her imperfections.  So for the past few days I've been getting up all bleary eyed at the crack of dawn to stand naked (after peeing) on a particular floor tile to weigh in on her after adjusting the needle 7 times (oh! the rituals we suffer....) and because of the dim lighting and the inconsistent readings...she's been toying with me, playing mind games...  but this morning I was ready for her... she can no longer deny the truth.  I am sitting in onederland.   I haven't seen this number since 1998.... I thought this moment would involve a parade, a marching band, a full page add in the paper, and naked cheerleaders.  However, I am feeling a much more quiet and resolute pride than I expected.  Kinda like the climbers who stand on the top of Mt. Everest and report that what you expected to feel is not quite as poignant as expected-considering the mind numbing effort it took to get there.  Because the reality is those climbers have to get down that mountain-a much more difficult feat than the ascent.  And I too have further to go.  But I am here....finally... and glad of it.  And those 'ol scales...fickle-hard-to-please-untrustworthy-bitch that she is... she's gonna be right there with me when we get to the bottom....grudgingly showing me the way.

Oh, %$#!

I nearly blew my resolution on Day 2 of the New Year -that is, daily exercising for 31 days in January.  I had had a great day until my ah-ha moment struck:  church with family, a movie with girlfriends, a late coffee/lunch out...  And then it hit me at 9:22 PM as I sat in my comfy jammies, reliving the day with hubby when a weight loss commercial flitted across the TV screen... Oh, %$#!  I FORGOT!!!...  Hubby and I sit in silence for 5 seconds...when he hollers up the stairs for the boys to get off the XBOX and let your mom do her exercise video!  So yes, I got out of the comfy jammies (ie: put on the bra) and wearily climbed the stairs for a 15 minute yoga session...  and you know what...???  I am sooooooo GLAD I did.  I felt...good...stronger...resolute.  And guess what???  The world will not implode if you exercise after the sun goes down...  Good to know...